Thursday, April 9, 2009

some insane morning rambling

I saw Sunshine Cleaning with Jen last night. A really good movie. Not at all what I expected. On the surface it's the story of two sisters that start a business cleaning up crime scenes. But it's about family relationships, and love, and loss. At one point in the movie the main character goes to a baby shower with a bunch of old friends from high school instead of helping her sister with a job. She just wants to show these people (who really mean nothing to her) that she is more than a maid. That she has made something of her life. And while she is doing something that she ultimately realizes doesn't matter, her sister screws up. And so that leads me to - how much of the time am I chasing a compliment from someone that ultimately doesn't matter in the big picture instead of nurturing and caring for the relationships with people that are always with me no matter what?

Somehow this led to Jen and I discussing being or feeling "grown up" on the drive home. I said that I didn't really feel like a grown up until a few years ago. But do I honestly feel grown up now? I don't know. I do grown up things. I go to work. I pay bills. I try to be a responsible parent. But ee cummings said: It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. Am I true to my authentic self? Or do I sell out in order to get a compliment or look good in the eyes of people that don't matter in my big picture? Hmmm. . .

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