stuck

I am stuck. Stuck in a place that is in between. I am in the limbo land of not knowing what my next step might be. So many directions that I might go in. Each one leading, perhaps, to the thing that will define me. This mucky mire that entangles me is sometimes overwhelming, occasionally exciting, but mostly it just leaves me feeling stuck. I vascilate between flurries of activity which seem to be propelling me forward to some sort of decision and the inability to do anything truly productive. Maybe this soul searching is all for nothing. Maybe the living is the thing after all. I will continue to tumble forward into my future without having to make any noise at all . . .

the important thing about these sneakers

the important thing about these sneakers is that i bought them so jen and i could walk together and get in shape instead of just talking about how we need to get in shape.

they are big and clunky.

they make my feet look huge.

they make my feet hot.

i feel like a dork when i wear them.

they don't go with anything i like to wear.

but they don't give me blisters.

and my knees don't hurt when i wear them.

and of course, the important thing about these sneakers is that i bought them so jen and i can walk together.

what you'll find in leslie's room

ipod

mid century modern

ikea

hats

aunt sally

easel

backpack

macbook

iphone

dolls

native american rug

paint

scissors

grandma marge's paintbrushes

skinny jeans

t-shirts

baja hoodie

moccasins

converse

music magazines

framed art

legos

keyboard

unfinished canvas

make-up

How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. -Annie Dillard

4 things

4 things i'm looking forward to: opening my own school, being my own boss, making cupcakes tomorrow, and seeing a movie with jen this week . . .

4 things i did yesterday: saw the time traveler's wife, swam in my new pool for the 1st time, slept in until 8, had lunch with b and l at our favorite sushi place

4 things i wish i could do: play on a kick ball team, run in a marathon, have more courage, speak fluent French

4 shows i like to watch: grey's anatomy, the new adventures of old christine, a new show called glee (i loved the pilot anyway), Anthony Bourdain's no reservations

4 creative things i did this month: tweaked some old recipes, finished leslie's K-8 scrapbook, arranged our stuff in our new house, made a collage wall in leslie's room

4 wonderful blogs: goop.com, daisyyellow.squarespace.com, flipflopsandapplesauce.blogspot.com, aliedwards.typepad.com

i heart books

When I was a little girl my grandmother was a children's librarian at the East Detroit Public Library. This had many perks for me. I had lovely, award winning, hardcover children's books in my home purchased for me by my book loving gram. I was also lucky because I had many adults ( parents, grandmother, great grandmother) who loved to perform by reading in these amazing voices, making my favorite books take on a life of their own. I loved the Uncle Remus stories as told by Grammy (my great grandmother) in a really great southern accent. Two of my very favorite childhood books were The Three Billy Goats Gruff by Marcia Brown and Journey Cake Ho! by Ruth Sawyer. I've owned the billy goats for years (thanks to Scholastic book club) but had been searching for Journey Cake for years. Unfortunately I remembered it as Johnny Cake and not Journey Cake because at the end of the story the Journey Cake becomes a Johnny Cake! This summer, as I scanned the books in an antique store in Michigan I was absolutely overjoyed when I came across a perfect hardcover copy of Journey Cake Ho! As I read through the book, I feel as if I am transported back to that warm comfortable time of being snuggled up next to someone who loves me and listening to a story that is familiar and enchanting to me. I am a little surprised that these two books stand out among all of the thousands that I encountered. They are a little dark compared to the stories that I read to children in my classroom. In Journey Cake, Johnny is an orphan/servant/? who lives with an old man and an old woman. When the food runs out he is sent away. (Yikes!) (But I remember really liking that part!!!) Then the story turns into a version of the gingerbread boy with a pancake substituted for gingerbread. And of course, there is a happy ending. The story of the billy goats is (as everyone knows) a bit violent. And in this particular version the illustrations of the troll are truly awful. Thus, truly wonderful. Hmmm . . .

My love affair with books continues. There is nothing better than reading a book that pulls you into it's world so fully that you are left thinking about it for days after you finish the final page. I love it when I am reading a book that I love so much that I neglect housework, making dinner, etc. just to read a few more pages. (I'm sure my family loves that too.) I do have a confession to make, though. I never, never read a book from start to finish without checking out the ending. As many know, I detest surprises. Really. So, even when I promise myself I won't peak, as some point (usually when I'm about half way through it) I read the ending. I know. I know. I am ruining it for myself. I even do this when a story is predictable and I know what's going to happen. My latest read is Love Walked In by Marisa De Los Santos. This is one of those "sorry we're having sandwiches for dinner but I couldn't stop reading" books for me. And today, as soon as I realized where things were heading in the story, I skipped ahead to the end. (It's a great ending by the way!)

last night

Last night, as I snuggled up against my "oh so grown up" daughter just before she drifted off to sleep, she admitted to me that she likes that I'm not working this year. I think she felt like I gave too much of myself to my littles. My little one and only, who is so empathetic and giving, still doesn't like to share mom too much.

And how do I feel about not working? Well . . . I must admit it's been an adjustment. We all know that I don't do so well with surprises and change. But I also know that change is the only way we grow. I also know that this little piece of my life isn't going to last very long and I am going to just sit back and enjoy every teeny tiny sip of it. I love how excited Les is about high school. I love having the time to really enjoy this time in her life. I'm realizing that our time with her living here in our house, making us a perfect little triangle, is going to be over in a blink of an eye. As much as I try to stay in the moment, I can already picture her going off to college and starting the next chapter of her life.

Last night I started to realize, sitting there with my girl, that I didn't really lose anything. I've gained some precious time to enjoy this job that has been the absolute priority in my life since it began 14 years and 9 months ago. I can't think of a better job title: mama.